In a partner dance party (Salsa, Ballroom, Tango etc), there are leaders/guys who get unpopular as the party goes. He asks her to dance second time, and she says "I'm tired" or something like that, politely turning his invitation down. Sure, in many cases she really is tired, and he doesn't have to take it personal. But in some cases, she IS avoiding the guy.
Probably about 1-5% of all guys get this treatment. How does he manage to make her angry (or displeased) enough to politely turn him down?
Easy. He is selfish and not paying attention to her while they dance. That's how. It's pretty much the same as how he never gets laid again after a bad encounter.
His attitude is quite visible while dancing. If he seems to be having fun alone or getting busy dancing by himself, and she seems to be having hard time following, because of his untimely lead or careless yanking, in an hour or so he will be red-flagged by the girls out there. Come on, who wants to be rushed and yanked while dancing?
A worse part of these guys is that he is persistent, comes back and keeps asking. Or, he seems to take no hint; another indication of insensitivity. Most girls are polite. But with these persistent guys you can see them getting aggravated over time.
To avoid this, I have a few common sense suggestions for guys, or a sequence of event.
(i) Know what you are supposed to do to lead, hopefully in advance
(ii) Observe how she dances and know how she would dance
(iii) Have a small talk with her to get the feel before you dance
(iv) On the dance floor, take time to connect. Listen to the music.
(v) Start slow. Start with basic steps and figure out how well she moves. Be gentle yet lead decisively.
(vi) Make sure she is having fun, or at least is comfortable enough
(vii) When she is having fun, it should already be fun for you. Then add your own dancing
(viii) Say thank you afterward. Praise strength
Dance party is for fun. How you and your partner feel after the dance is a lot more important than whether you did steps correctly or not. These selfish guys make her feel stupid after dance. Why would she want to dance with him ever again?
But guys, don't be too alarmed. These unworkably selfish guys are actually rare. If you are sensible enough to read this kind of little writing about dancing, you are likely not one of them and okay enough already. It is his mental attitude ("I don't care about you, but I am having fun") that angers or displeases her.
People who lack ability to see themselves from third person stand point (i.e. low meta-recognition) tend to do selfish dancing. It's a matter of maturity or basic ability for respecting others. Maybe it is a part of reasons that people have used dancing to identify a good mate or the champion of the tribe.
Last weekend we were having farewell parties for Luis Angel, Argentine Tango instructor from Buenos Aires who contributed tremendously to Oklahoma Tango community. He's got a good job offer in D.C. area and is moving. I wish him best of luck and continuing success.
