I feel like I am finally getting over with the emotions from divorce (well, mostly, but I can say the hard time is over).
There are many factors that helped.
Personality. I am usually future-oriented, and dwelling on the past is not my nature.
My friends. Thank you for your support and kind words. They were very helpful.
To do #1: "Let yourself heal as much as you can. Accept it's tough when it's tough, and get help".
It's spring. Day is getting longer and air feels nicer.
Professionally speaking, I am as busy as ever. I got to prepare for a scientific meeting and finish writing a few manuscripts. Being busy can help to reduce time to remember things in vain.
To do #2: "Reduce the time to ruminate. Enjoy the present and distract yourself from old memories".
Speaking of private life, I got a few new gigs to do. Arrangements are made, or being made.
To do #3: "Create new memories to overwrite old ones".
There were some events in my family. My mother retired from her work, and started preparing for her and my father's "ending". She visited a temple, and asked about funeral and cemetery arrangement. Of course they don't want to use the arrangements any time soon, but getting it set can give some relief and peace in mind. They are thinking about another big life event, and it helped me to reset my perspective as well.
I started seeing some ugly details, and am re-evaluating the whole events. My occasional anger helps for this purpose, too. Anger and aggression help a mom bear to wean her cubs when weaning is due. Anger helps to kick something out and move on. Just what I needed.
To do #4: "Change the meaning of the old memories. Change your perception or evaluation".
And, I am doing what I am doing with purpose; to create a better future.
To do #5: "Create a better future . Live with hope".
I'm not sure I am accepting all yet. But I have faith in karma, "what goes around comes around", "what you sow you reap", and the karmic law is going to get them without me doing a thing, eventually if not already. So I'll focus on self.
Yup, I feel much better now. Thanks.
March 30, 2014
March 20, 2014
Life: Emotional reactions to divorce
This recent divorce has been a hell of learning experience. I learned a lot.
I learned that many people are kind. Maybe because they were here themselves. Maybe because they were, just, kind. And I appreciate it.
What I learned includes, about myself and my ex.
Divorce is acknowledged by many to be one of the most stressful life events. I agree. A tough thing is these emotions. I am usually very level-headed, and it is rare for me to get emotional, cry, or anger.
They say there are four emotional steps before you finally reach acceptance (or forgiveness); denial, anger, bargaining and depression (despair).
They also say that the order the emotions appear is not necessarily in this order. For me, the order was denial, depression, bargaining then anger. It is intriguing to know that anger came last for me. I am slow to anger. Yet, once it reached to the boiling point, it seems to be hard to cool.
And anger is what I am dealing with currently. I feel like I am back to early teens, when constant frustration drove me crazy. Back then I was a swimmer, so I trained. I also studied hard. These activities got me tired enough to dissipate the frustration and helped me to get by. Now, many years later, I am frustrated, and feel a need to cope. What am I going to do?
This kind of frustration has been working positively for me in the form of creativity. I got to channel it. Then this divorce and emotional turmoil should prove to be a blessing in disguise.
Another thing I learned was that, even if I knew from psychology textbook that these emotional reactions would come, the knowledge itself did not help. I figured that these emotional reactions are like a physical event just like the flu. We just have to go through the course, and it takes due time.
Mind knows no time. Emotions seem to be bound to body and are much slower to move on. Even though sometimes overshadowed by anger, my mind can still simulate the future. Some time later this anger is history, and I would be functioning just fine. I would perhaps be a little wiser and kinder, too.
In a future, after all these emotions are faded, I want to look this back with positive tone. I have control over what I do now. I hope what I do now create something better in the future. It's karma. What we sow we reap.
Guess this is enough for a pep talk to self, for now.
I learned that many people are kind. Maybe because they were here themselves. Maybe because they were, just, kind. And I appreciate it.
What I learned includes, about myself and my ex.
Divorce is acknowledged by many to be one of the most stressful life events. I agree. A tough thing is these emotions. I am usually very level-headed, and it is rare for me to get emotional, cry, or anger.
They say there are four emotional steps before you finally reach acceptance (or forgiveness); denial, anger, bargaining and depression (despair).
They also say that the order the emotions appear is not necessarily in this order. For me, the order was denial, depression, bargaining then anger. It is intriguing to know that anger came last for me. I am slow to anger. Yet, once it reached to the boiling point, it seems to be hard to cool.
And anger is what I am dealing with currently. I feel like I am back to early teens, when constant frustration drove me crazy. Back then I was a swimmer, so I trained. I also studied hard. These activities got me tired enough to dissipate the frustration and helped me to get by. Now, many years later, I am frustrated, and feel a need to cope. What am I going to do?
This kind of frustration has been working positively for me in the form of creativity. I got to channel it. Then this divorce and emotional turmoil should prove to be a blessing in disguise.
Another thing I learned was that, even if I knew from psychology textbook that these emotional reactions would come, the knowledge itself did not help. I figured that these emotional reactions are like a physical event just like the flu. We just have to go through the course, and it takes due time.
Mind knows no time. Emotions seem to be bound to body and are much slower to move on. Even though sometimes overshadowed by anger, my mind can still simulate the future. Some time later this anger is history, and I would be functioning just fine. I would perhaps be a little wiser and kinder, too.
In a future, after all these emotions are faded, I want to look this back with positive tone. I have control over what I do now. I hope what I do now create something better in the future. It's karma. What we sow we reap.
Guess this is enough for a pep talk to self, for now.
March 13, 2014
Life: A divorce announcement
This entry is meant to be a rather personal announcement to my friends.
My (ex-) wife and I, we are divorced.
We had quite different personalities. It was a source of our initial attraction. However, over time, the differences in the ways we see and feel things led to dissatisfaction, especially on her side. What I valued meant little to her, and what she loved I did not appreciate enough. The quiet dissatisfaction led to a communication breakdown.
Once communication broke down, a relationship can deteriorate quickly. One thing led to another.
Earlier this year, we reached to a point where both of us found reconciliation difficult.
So we decided to dissolve our marriage peacefully. We took our lessons. Yes, sometimes love hurts. We are divorcing for the better for both. I personally wish her well in her journey.
RIP our marriage
I will fondly remember the good times
[11.11.2011 - 3.6.2014]
PS
Among many well-meaning comments I received so far, "Welcome to the club" was somehow particularly soothing. Thanks, Tom.
My (ex-) wife and I, we are divorced.
We had quite different personalities. It was a source of our initial attraction. However, over time, the differences in the ways we see and feel things led to dissatisfaction, especially on her side. What I valued meant little to her, and what she loved I did not appreciate enough. The quiet dissatisfaction led to a communication breakdown.
Once communication broke down, a relationship can deteriorate quickly. One thing led to another.
Earlier this year, we reached to a point where both of us found reconciliation difficult.
So we decided to dissolve our marriage peacefully. We took our lessons. Yes, sometimes love hurts. We are divorcing for the better for both. I personally wish her well in her journey.
RIP our marriage
I will fondly remember the good times
[11.11.2011 - 3.6.2014]
PS
Among many well-meaning comments I received so far, "Welcome to the club" was somehow particularly soothing. Thanks, Tom.
March 3, 2014
Dance: Dance and Insecurity
When I go to a dance party (Ballroom, Tango /milonga or swing or salsa) and ask someone a dance, I occasionally hear "I'm not so good". It's a defensive remark.
Although she is usually fine, I've heard it so many times.
So why do people feel insecure about their dancing?
Here I borrow words from my friend Kate, who is a professional ballroom dance instructor. A few days ago I attended her one-woman lecture titled "Dance as lifestyle" in University of Oklahoma.
In her talk, she said the following.
"Dancing is very personal. If someone doesn't like my painting or writing, that's fine. I can live with that. But for acting, singing and dancing, it's ME. It IS personal."
"That's why many singers and actors have alcohol or drug problem . Dancers have to take care of their body, so the drinking or drug issue is less obvious, but the issue is there."
I didn't think of that before. So, dancing may be, by default, personal.
In fact, there are many dancers who cannot take any hint of criticism. Hear a (constructive) criticism, and they snap or fall apart.
I used to wonder why, and I even thought they are just insecure, until I heard what Kate said.
I also figured that there is my personal reason for my wondering. I am a professional scientist, and my colleagues, also scientists, are naturally skeptic people. I don't expect straightforward praise from them. Rather, I expect (constructive) criticisms from them. Basically, for this Science work I had to learn to take criticisms in a non-personal manner. Otherwise, my work and accompanying criticisms would be abrasive to my skin. Come to think of it, I did take some criticisms personal when I was in school. It took years for me to change my attitude toward criticisms. I guess I cannot blame the people who take it personal.
So, what I believe as my professional attitude actually protects me from hurting from criticisms. It works for me.
This line of thinking made me realize that I see and take my dancing from a professional's standpoint. For me, dancing is no longer a hobby, recreational, fun or a measure for self-assurance. It's more like an art that I am serious about, that I value how well I can do, and for which I am applying my standards as a professional.
Hmm. It seems that I tend to think like an old school Karate guy, who just trains day in day out. I didn't know how crazy I have become for this art.
PS.
I do think taking things personal can hinder a person's growth and development in general. But I also understand that there are occasions when assurance and compliments do much better. It depends on your personality and how much professionalism you have for the art.
Or it depends on your attitude. Results from "I do this because it makes me feel better" attitude rarely surpass the results from "I do this to serve" professional attitude. It's a psychology I believe.
Although she is usually fine, I've heard it so many times.
So why do people feel insecure about their dancing?
Here I borrow words from my friend Kate, who is a professional ballroom dance instructor. A few days ago I attended her one-woman lecture titled "Dance as lifestyle" in University of Oklahoma.
In her talk, she said the following.
"Dancing is very personal. If someone doesn't like my painting or writing, that's fine. I can live with that. But for acting, singing and dancing, it's ME. It IS personal."
"That's why many singers and actors have alcohol or drug problem . Dancers have to take care of their body, so the drinking or drug issue is less obvious, but the issue is there."
I didn't think of that before. So, dancing may be, by default, personal.
In fact, there are many dancers who cannot take any hint of criticism. Hear a (constructive) criticism, and they snap or fall apart.
I used to wonder why, and I even thought they are just insecure, until I heard what Kate said.
I also figured that there is my personal reason for my wondering. I am a professional scientist, and my colleagues, also scientists, are naturally skeptic people. I don't expect straightforward praise from them. Rather, I expect (constructive) criticisms from them. Basically, for this Science work I had to learn to take criticisms in a non-personal manner. Otherwise, my work and accompanying criticisms would be abrasive to my skin. Come to think of it, I did take some criticisms personal when I was in school. It took years for me to change my attitude toward criticisms. I guess I cannot blame the people who take it personal.
So, what I believe as my professional attitude actually protects me from hurting from criticisms. It works for me.
This line of thinking made me realize that I see and take my dancing from a professional's standpoint. For me, dancing is no longer a hobby, recreational, fun or a measure for self-assurance. It's more like an art that I am serious about, that I value how well I can do, and for which I am applying my standards as a professional.
Hmm. It seems that I tend to think like an old school Karate guy, who just trains day in day out. I didn't know how crazy I have become for this art.
PS.
I do think taking things personal can hinder a person's growth and development in general. But I also understand that there are occasions when assurance and compliments do much better. It depends on your personality and how much professionalism you have for the art.
Or it depends on your attitude. Results from "I do this because it makes me feel better" attitude rarely surpass the results from "I do this to serve" professional attitude. It's a psychology I believe.
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